Everything I learned June 2024-Present

a sequence of disparate lineages, catalogued in advance of my graduation in one month (eek).

I learned how to work with the I-Ching.

I realized that I don’t like cooking or cleaning for myself, and will only do either under extreme duress. 

I was reconciled to the parts of my being that are antisocial, wildly jealous, and entitled. 

I learned how to do Transcendental Meditation (my mantra is—shhhh!!!).

I studied curricular design, linguistically responsive routines for English Language Learners, and Ethnic Studies, among other things.

I studied the Avatamsaka, Śūraṅgama, Lotus, and Diamond Sutras, among other things.

I learned proper meditation posture, but mostly ignored it in favor of doing what is comfortable in  the moment (acutely painful later).

I remembered how important dreams are for untangling life's murky and uncertain residues. 

I learned that I had no legal rights as a student teacher after being falsely accused by administrators of possessing ‘hashish’ at a high school in the East Bay. 'Hashish' -- a compressed super weed that makes me think of the Beat Generation. This was a very embarrassing chapter in my life, and I did not handle the stress of it well. 

I was haunted by my adolescent decision to get ‘Benadryl’ tattooed on my knuckles (having exceeded my initial self-projected life expectancy by several years, I saw that ‘Benadryl’ became a focus for unfounded judgments in professional settings–mostly centered around my character, aptitude, and assumed extracurricular drug use, and I took my lumps on this front, let myself be debased further for something that is actually just funny, sublimely stupid, and not a big deal). 

I practiced my Spanish and got closer to my mother than ever before. 

I practiced my Spanish and got props from my students who also speak Spanish. This led to a feeling of archetypal wholeness, in small bursts. You are my other me/Tú eres mi otro yo. 

I forgave the child inside. This sucked so bad.

I noticed that I often overload my plate–with fun, studying, learning, concepts, activities. But I can't do everything well.

I realized how easy it is for me to perform ‘giving up’ when the going gets tough, which is when I entertain fantasies of becoming a famous writer or being dead. But I don’t actually give up, I just draw out the labor of completing the task to an anguishing degree, bring other people into the maelstrom of my Problems, which are largely auto-generated...not cool.  

I stood on top of what used to be my bedroom after my house burned down. I don't know what I was supposed to take away from that, but it is really hard.

I saw how bad I was with money, because I don't believe in it. Not believing in money doesn't shield you from it laying waste to your life, or other people's lives. 

I began to understand how important teaching is, and that there is really no ceiling for improvement. The work can go on forever. I never felt this way about any other job or thing to do, really, besides writing. 

I was confused by people asking me how teaching was going, especially when I could palpably sense that they wanted me to say it was not going so well, to affirm or confirm a secret thing happening inside them. Teaching is never perfect, and I am so far from perfect that sometimes I want to lie down on the ground and never get up. But for now, I will keep trying. 

I learned what I needed from my friends, and got better at asking for what I needed.

I was reconciled to my love of music despite my lack of hard skills.

I realized the special connection that can be created from a timely and specific gift.

I was reconciled to my love of Los Angeles County, which felt regressive in some ways and just plain good in others.

I figured out how to be quiet when I wanted to say the devastating thing instead.

I learned that it was not good to say the devastating thing to someone who is on your team. That it could be devastating, to say the devastating thing. It could kill the team!

I figured out that for someone to be on my team, it takes more than for them to just say that they're on my team. And that it's hard to be on my team, because sometimes I'm too pointy. 

I became scared by my own helplessness and tried to change.

I was lonely sometimes. 

I realized the importance of DBT skills for interpersonal effectiveness (lol).

I was not a good student a lot of the time.

I tried to help when I could, but wasn't always sure that I was doing the right thing, or helping in the right way. 

I could begin to unravel when I was blaming external circumstances (program, people, where I was living) unnecessarily. But I suspect this unraveling could keep happening for the rest of my life. 

I learned how much I love being Guatemalan.